The After by Donna Page (c) 13 April 2024
So this is how love feels in the After. Still so strong, still real, still there. It hasn't changed much at all, but now it comes with yearning.
The longing to rest your head on that now invisible shoulder, in that spot that was safe. That place that gave you comfort. Where his arms wrapped around you and closed out the world. Where, in those moments, absolutely nothing else matters.
The After means holding your breath, begging the tears not to fall, pretending to be strong. Showing the world what they think you should be. Strong, resilient, brave. You are actually none of these things. In the after, you play pretend. Pretending is easier than reality.
In the world outside, there is no After for everyone else. It means something different out there where the other people play. That after shows the sun has moved past the point of midday. That after is a mint in the evening. That after is when they plan to go to a movie. That after is something children set up play dates for. Afternoon, after dinner, after school. It is nothing like your After.
In the Before, he was here. Your strength when you felt weak, your champion when you were afraid, your confidante, your everything. His was the first face you saw every morning, the last face you saw every night. He was constant. He made you feel like you could conquer anything the world threw with him at your side. The Before was wonderful.
Your lives were entwined. You passed through each day in fluid motion, apart but together, always. Knowing that no matter what that day brought, there was no challenge you could not face. Because you and he were We, Us. One heart, separated only by the distance of kilometres. Knowing that his voice was on the other end of a telephone call, his fingertips waiting on the other end of the keyboard. Loving, caring, nurturing. You were One.
Then suddenly, there was the After, his heart torn away from yours, those bonds stolen, never to return. The After shattered your heart into a million pieces. Pieces that are impossible to pick up, nothing in the After is strong enough to hold them together. People try, but he is the only one who can weave his spell around your heart and hold it in place.
But he was stolen, ripped away from your grasp, taken from your sight forever. In the After he is only in your mind, in your heart, in your memories. His face is in the photos that surround you. Photos in which you can see his face, trace his smile, and stare at his eyes. But he can not respond. In the After, his life is gone forever. He lives on in your heart, in your memories, in your love. In the After, you can no longer hear him say I love you, you got this, we've got this. In the After, you have to listen to what is inside of you. To find those words lying among those shattered pieces that now live where your heart once did. You close your eyes and move them around. Listening for the sound of his voice. Listening to hear those words that mean so much. Begging the universe for just one more. I love you.
The After is dark, it is cold, it is scary. The After has flashes of light, ones gifted to you by the people who stayed by your side when the lights went off in your world. Not many of those in your Before stay for your After. The After is a place that scares people; it is hard to be a light in its darkness. You must be brave to walk beside someone living in the After. For they need you but need him more, and you can not give them that gift. All you can give is a port when the storm is too strong, and the shattered pieces are falling deeper into their spirit. You have to be willing to hold them together when they can no longer go on, to gently and slowly guide them towards that dull light that exists in the After. The only light they can hold on to and hope that their grip doesn't falter again, at least for a while.
Life in the After is sad, but it has light moments, which are a true gift. If you can make light in someone's After, do everything you can to keep it shining for as long as possible. Even though you know each moment of light will give way to the darkness eventually. Those moments make the After easier to bear.
