The reality of my grief.
Sure there is a lot of crying. A lot of denial. A lot of questions. But that is the big part.
The little parts, the ones you don’t see coming, they are the worst. Rolling over in bed, half asleep and he is there, only to put your hand out and touch his empty side of the bed.
The loss of laughing at silly things you do. You don’t anymore because he isn’t there to share that laughter. Now silly has turned to stupid.
The verbalising, have you seen my left shoe, my phone, my glasses, there is no smart alec answer to come so you don’t say it anymore. There is no point.
The conversations about all sorts of things. The intelligent ones, the silly ones, the lotto dream ones. They are all gone.
The loneliness, surrounded by people you love dearly but always feeling alone.
The fear, of the future you planned together changing, of how that future is going to look.
The sadness, of not standing beside him at sunset, not showing him the beautiful photo you took, of hearing the songs you loved together and the songs he loved.
The despair, of the thought that there is a grandchild coming and not having a photo of the baby and Fafa. Of holding your grandchild and not seeing that proud smile on his face.
The guilt, of laughing and smiling about something he would have enjoyed, and the heartbreak that reignites.
Hearing the words, time, how are you, I am so sorry. The truth is I don’t want to hear them. I don’t want people telling me it will be okay. Because it isn’t, and it never will again. Nothing is okay with out him.
The reality of this grief is something that I hope you never have to fathom. We all go through grief at some point, but losing your partner, or your child, is a grief like no other. It opens up a black hole within you that everything gets sucked into. You hold on to the edges of this hole with your fingertips every single day. Some days it is all of them holding on. Other days it is just one fingertip and you just pray that it can keep its grip. And honestly, you only want it to hold on so others don’t have to suffer what you are going through.
You can feel the darkness enveloping you, you can’t stop it, you can only hope that part of you can create a big enough hole so you can breathe and some light can get in.
The reality of my grief is that my heart and soul have been shattered into millions of tiny shards, each one stabbing me at a different moment in time. Hoping that there will be less shards today than yesterday but knowing they will be just different ones. Stabbing into different parts of the never ending emptiness you feel, to remind you painfully that he is gone. Forever!
I still do those things, I still share things with him because it's always been my job to make him laugh, even where he is now. He's still laughing at my antics. I know he still looks at me with pride when I do something. He's still egging me on when a shenanigans idea hits
ReplyDeleteMischief never ending
DeleteStrong words deliver strong feelings, even when you feel so weak. Keep writing, it’s who you are.
ReplyDeleteThank you
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