Christmas Eve, the light begins to dim early as the storm clouds cover the sky. The room is enveloped in a sense of grey, echoing how I feel.
I am torn between the joy I have that he has survived cancer and my sorrow for the Christmas I wanted. Our special meal, sharing tales and tables. Eating until we can’t move and then eating some more.
I sit in a comfortable chair at least. My tailbone appreciates that. I can curl up a little in this one. It is wide and on wheels. I have locked the brakes because I know I would scoot around the room in it. Somethings don’t change. Swivel chairs are meant to spin, chairs with coasters are meant to roll.
Cancer has taken it’s toll on his body. He sleeps a lot now. Sleep is healing, right? His pretty eyes are somewhat dull, his beautiful soft hair is all but gone.
I watch him as he sleeps, his breathing fast and shallow. The mystery lung infection is having an impact. He hasn’t eaten much in a few days now. I bought him a sausage roll yesterday. He really enjoyed that. But he has had little else.
His temperature keeps on spiking and without supplemental oxygen he coughs constantly. The doctors are flummoxed. A week ago he was fine to go home. Today we hope for next week. Our own Christmas miracle.
I try to be bright and cheery for him. It is hard. I am feeling alone and broken. All this is out of my control. I can do nothing to fix it. I am a fixer. What have I got if I can’t fix? I am becoming rather dull myself. I can’t seem to keep that spark lit. The burning ember is there but it is fading into the dark wick.
He is safe, he will be coming home when it is right. But now, in this moment, that is hard to see.
Dear Donna,
ReplyDeleteEverything you feel is normal. It's normal to feel helpless, its normal to feel alone, it's normal to feel flat and dull.
..and its ok to feel anger at that.
Just exist in the moments of joy and let them be a shield against the storm.
It’s too real. I can picture you both. You have to let things happen around you that are way beyond your control and at the same time you are clutching at sanity. I’ve bee there many times with absolutely no support. You have ours Donna. StY safe & keep writing ✍️
ReplyDeleteremember somewhere there is an ember burning low to be ignited bright when the time is right .
ReplyDeleteit willburn brighter than the sun and the brilliance will blind those within sight of it
yours is an eternal love that lights the way for those of us that look on in awe.
you will forever burn, be it very low and slow or brilliant and bright.,thats how brilliantly you love.